> be me
> the smallest most pathetic sopping wet knight in Camelot
> enjoying a nye party at uncle artie’s
> dude walks in and he’s green for some reason
> not worried about it just thought he was doing a bit
> asks to play a Yule game where someone strikes him with an axe and he gets to do it back next year
> mfw
> uncle art goes to accept the challenge
> I say fuck it and volunteer because I’m not doing anything with my life anyway
> chop the green guy’s clean head off
> he picks his head up and laughs
> says I have to meet him at some chapel so he can do thing to me next year
> I piss myself
> he lets me keep the axe so that’s nice
> what do I doooo guys
> 10 months pass
> set out to find the chapel I’m supposed to meet this guy at
> bring my sickkkk new axe
> ladies love my sick new axe. get lots of play
> fight beasts and highway men and things for 7 weeks straight
> eventually end up at this huge castle in the middle of nowhere
> turns out it belongs to this extremely sexy guy and his extremely sexy wife
> says his name is bert and he knows where the chapel I’m supposed to be at is
> weird old lady in the castle freaking me out
> guy says I can stay at his place until my beheading appointment and I get a poly vibe from him and his wife so I ignore the old lady
> guy says he’s going to go hunting everyday and give me whatever he hunts if I give him whatever I was gifted in the castle
> first morning his wife tries to fuck me immediately but I don’t know if they have an open relationship or not so I turn her down
> get a kiss instead
> that evening he gives me a deer and I give him a kiss
> next morning she tries to get in my pants again. we kiss twice.
> that evening he gives me a boar and I give him 2 kisses
> the next morning his missus tries to give me a gold ring I say no bc gold isn’t my color tbh
> she offers me a green sash that’s enchanted so the wearer can’t be harmed while wearing it
> mfw I realize this could keep me from being beheaded
> take the sash
> she kisses me 3 times and leaves
> bert gives me a fox that night and I kiss him 3 times
> leave for the chapel the next day wearing the sash
> the green guy is there and he’s sharpening another axe
> mfw
> where does this guy keep getting axes?
> get down on the chopping block to have my head cut off
> he swings. I flinch
> he calls me a little whiny baby
> he swings again. doesn’t hit me
> hate this guy
> he swings a third time and it only cuts me a little
> he starts laughing
> turns out he was bert just fucking with me the whole time using magic
> the old lady in the castle was my aunt morgan who made him do this bullshit so she could make fun of us knights
> tells me he cut my neck a little because I lied about the stash
> earth shattering sex with the green man commences
> return to Camelot wearing the stupid green sash. the other knights tell me I have to wear my fucktrophy green sash forever.
> goddamnit
